Scripts and Legz  Akimbo Theatre Company © TLoG

I’m waiting for silence. Thanks. Good afternoon. We are Legz Akimbo Theatre Company and we’ve been invited here this afternoon to cheer you all up a bit by doing some “community theatre”. Now, what’s community  theatre? Well, you lot are the community – or you were until you all started dying – and we are the theatre. So,  it’s communty… theatre. And the play we’re going to perform for you today is called “No Home For Johnny”, and it’s for and about you lot. Homeless… ness. Phil.

Yeah. Now, before we start the play, we’re going to do an exercise called “hot-seat”. This is the hot seat. What do we mean by this –

Sorry. Er, cougher’s union? Do you want to do that outside? It’s just that we’ve got a contract here today, and if you speak or you cough, you sort of break the contract. So don’t! sorry, Phil.

Yeah. We’re going to do some hot-seating. What happens there is we plonk a character down here in the hot seat and you can ask him all sorts of questions about his life.

So I’m going to ask Dave to choose one of his characters from the play.

Great. Which one?

Anyone. They’re all the same.

Ollie!

Well, y’know what I mean. They’re all of a type. Have a crack at Hobo Two.

Yeah, I’m Hobo One.

Yeah, whatever. In your own time…. Any questions? Phil.

W hat’s your name?

Hobo Two.

One.

One. One.

Where do you live?

Nowhere.

Where do you want to live?

House.

Have you thought about putting your name down on a local, er, housing list or at least contact the council for Shelter schemes?

OK. Break it there. Good, Dave. So, you’ve met the actors, you’ve learnt a little bit about the characters. You’ve  met the writer, director, producer, founder member of Legz Akimbo Theatre Company – me! And, what we’re  going to do now is take a short break. I know that you’re starving to death, some of you literally. So I’ll let you get your free soup and we’ll be back later on with our new play “No home For Johnny”… Oh, drop dead!

I’m not sure this is such a good idea, Ollie.

It’s the Mayor, is it? Looks like he’s enjoying it.

This play’s aimed at primary school children.

There’s no age limit on dealing with issues, Dave.

Me mummy and daddy died when I was a little boy, so I had to go and stay with my bad uncle. He used to come home and burn the soles of me feet with cigarettes. One day I decided enough was enough, so I ran away to London.

OLLIE

DAVE:

Ding ding! Parp! Stand clear of the doors, please! Ding ding! Parp! Parp! Mind the gap! Ding ding! Parp! Stand clear of the doors, please! Ding ding! Parp! Parp! Mind the gap!

Taxi!

Stop, thief!

Haven’t got time!

Don’t have change.

Very soon I found meself dossing on the streets or in shop doorways. It’s not a bad life, but you certainly got to know who your friends are. Most of mine are dead.

I heard it was bad giving money to homeless. They’ll only spend it on drugs and alcohol.

We get this a lot. I don’t take drugs, and I only have a drink at New Year’s. Although I don’t know what I’m supposed to be celebrating.

I saw a programme that said 99% of homeless enjoy it on the streets, prefer life like that.

I don’t know what kind of programmes you’ve been watching, mate, but I know where I’d rather be at night. Tucked up in a warm bed with a cup of hot chocolate, not freezing to death on a park bench with just the newspaper to keep us warm. Come winter… you ask any homeless person . No one wants to be on the streets.

Ah, come on. I ain’t had a smoke in ages, or food.

That’s normal for homeless. Sometimes we get found dead of starvation. Nobody cares.

People need to see the magnitude of the problem. Give ‘s a swig.

Leave me alone.

Spare any change, please, guv. Any change, please, guv…

Mind the costumes! They’ve got to get back tomorrow! Oh, thanks!